The Death of Cupcake

It's odd to think that my constant reader is someone I know (Hello, sweetie). When I found out, I thought about filtering what I say, because my thoughts are twisting and I have no chance of untangling them. Then I realized that this blog, this laptop in front of me, is my therapy. I hope that my reader, that you my dear, will help me keep this secret, and these private sessions. And know that none of this is aimed at you, my darling.

Taking My Breath Away

I didn't imagine my thoughts could ever be physically painful. I never once thought that my chest could constrict in such a way based solely on a single thought. And it's not always the same thought, which is fairly horrifying. How can someone ask me to go about my day as if a single thought couldn't render me breathless? How am I supposed to tell my mother when she thinks I'm making it up? When she thinks that I have a new problem everyday? 
I drove for a little over two and a half hours on old state highways with a friend. Back roads that curved every few miles, trees as far as you can see, and more cows than you can count. We ended up in West Plains, but I had wanted to go to Rome. Rome was down a dirt road I didn't want to take my car down. 
My friend drove on the way home. She's had far more driving experience than I, but for some reason... I felt like I had an elephant sitting on my chest. Every curve I thought we were going to go off road, or a car would clip us and we would spin. I thought I was going to have to relive that weightless feeling as the car rolled side over side. I kept waiting for my luck to run out, but it never did.
And then I got home. And my mother was upset I didn't have my location services on, and that I didn't answer her for an hour. I had dropped my phone in the floor board and was driving fifty-five miles an hour through hills and winding roads, and hick country. She told me when I got home that if I left town without it turned on again she'd beat me (in an ass-whooping way, not abuse). 
"You know what happened last time you left town," she scolded me, with a tone only mothers can achieve. 
"Yeah, I know what happened," I told her in a sigh, and turned to go back to my room. 
"Fine," she quipped as I turned back to look at her, "I'm just going to quit caring about you kids." 
 I couldn't stay to hear the rest of her rant. I didn't need to be reminded about what happened last time. I relive that car crash at least four to six days a week, and it never gets better. The aching in my chest grows, and my heart constricts at the thought.
If someone says my name a certain way, I flinch, and then I'm back in that damn car. There's no escaping it, but I can't quite tell my mother. She'd insist I needed to go to the doctor, to fix this, but I don't need fixing. 
Or maybe I do, and I'm just delusional. I've got to be a little crazy, I'm sitting here writing a blog no one reads. I'm talking to a blank wall and expecting things to get better.
But how can things get better if I can hardly breathe?

The Difference a Year Can Make

Last year I was a senior in high school, giddy about the year ahead.
This year I am college freshman, dreading the classes to come. 

Last year I was starting my first job, excited to work at a movie theater. 
This year I have worked two jobs, and I'm dying to get away from the vast amount of popcorn that follows me around. 

Last year I was afraid of change, wishing things could stay the same forever. 
This year I embrace the change, I crave for a break in the monotony, and I die everyday without it.

Last year I was hopeful for a bright future.
This year I am determined to have a brilliant one. 

Last year I was a zombie enthusiast, excited at all times for a zombie apocalypse. 
This year I... well, some things don't change, I suppose.

Last year I was ignorant to the world, oblivious to anything outside of my small bubble of a life.
This year I am enthralled with the universe, in awe of everything inside of it, and wanting to touch the stars.  

Last year I was unattached to most emotions, feeling things through a filter to keep my heart from getting broken.
This year I am feeling things fully, more irritable because I care, and sensitive because I have missed out on so much by closing off my heart.

Last year I was Cupcake, a child with her head in the clouds, a girl who thought she was invincible, a teenage theatre kid who wasn't ready to grow up.
This year I am Alexis, a young adult figuring out her life, a woman that could have died in a horrendous car crash, an eighteen year old finally embracing her own mortality, and ready to face the rest of her life. 

Oh, what a difference a year can make. 

Something Bad (An Equilibrium Blurb)

Jenna sighed as she laid strewn across her borrowed bed. It was on the verge of three o'clock in the morning, and her brain refused to let her sleep for a second- which was ridiculous. She needed time to process Encia, but apparently her subconscious disagreed. She huffed in frustration before sitting up. She bit the inside of her lip in contemplation as her eyes scanned the room for something- anything- to hold her attention. When she caught sight of the silver door knob, a mischievous smile spread across her lips- no one ever said that she couldn't going exploring at three a.m.

She slid off of her bed, her bare feet touching the cool stone beneath her, and the edge of her nightgown brushed against the back of her knees. She silently glided across the ground to the door, and lightly touched the sliver knob. Slowly, she opened the door, thankful that the door didn't creak open. She glanced down the corridor, but there was no one around. A smile graced her lips as she stepped out of her room, and let the door close behind her.

"And what do you think you're doing?" Jenna's breathing hitched as she spun on her heel to see Sarah leaning against the wall across from her, a smirk planted firmly on her lips. Breathing a sigh of relief, Jenna spared her a withering glance before walking away. 

"Come on, Jenna, talk to me," Sarah said as she followed after the other girl. She huffed when Jenna didn't respond, and simply kept walking. 

"Jenna, please talk to me," Sarah begged. Jenna's fingers trailed over the brick walls, the gritty texture keeping her focus away from Sarah. "Jenna, please!" 

"What do you want me to say, Sarah?" Jenna snapped as she turned to face her. "That I'm excited you're here? That I'm so happy to see you? Sarah, you shouldn't even be here!" 

"Don't you think I know that?" She asked, her voice raising in desperation, "There are no other ghosts here, no one but you can see me, and I can't shake this foreboding sense that something seriously bad is about to happen." 

"Maybe you should take that as a sign to move on." Jenna spun on her heel to continue down the hall- she didn't want to be caught arguing with herself. 

"Believe me, I would if I could. You're not exactly the best of company." Jenna laughed bitterly as she glanced over at Sarah. 

"Like you're any better. All you do is moan and groan about being dead, and then blame me for it." 

"You were the one driving that night-" 

"He ran into us, Sarah!" Jenna shouted as she froze in the middle of the hall. "He was the one that totaled my car, he's the reason you're dead, so why don't you go haunt him?" Sarah looked shocked. Jenna had never lost her temper towards Sarah, she had always put up with Sarah's antics. When she turned to see Sarah still there with wide, glossy eyes, she threw her hands up in frustration. 

"Go!" Her entire body seemed to dissolve into mist, and Jenna heaved a sigh of relief. Her stomach churned as the meaning behind Sarah's words hit her. No other spirits? Jenna was the only one to see her? Maybe Sarah was right- maybe something bad was happening in Encia. 

Final Reflection

1. Different pieces of writing I've done this semester tends to be a lot of blog post, but I've also commented a lot, and I've been writing an original story. I'm really excited to write my original story, and I'm even going to use one of my blog posts in it. I don't do a lot of work in my journal- I actually quite enjoyed the blogging experience. 


2. I've read several posts by Kinzie, Taylor, Liana, Jessica, and Raven. They were all greatly written, and I think it was mainly the writing we did around Halloween that I've read and commented on. I haven't been able to do a lot of reading, unfortunately- in or out of class. I've read a couple books- Antigoddess and The Bane Chronicles. I enjoyed both books, I just wish I had time to read more. I may read over all- or most- blogs over winter break. 


3. Setting up my blog was a bit odd. I had no idea what I was doing- I had never blogged before. When we were asked to come up with a title for the blog, I stammered a bit. A name? I could hardly name a character let alone a blog. Either way, I knew I wanted something in the title about theatre. The Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen? No, that's too cliche, plus there's already a movie named that. The Confessions of a Teenage Theatre Queen? What am I confessing?! And calling myself a theatre Queen sounded horrible. The Confessions and Ramblings of a Teenage Theatre Kid? What a mouthful, but I guess it worked. It's not like I could come up with anything cool. I didn't expect anyone to read it, so I suppose a longer name was okay. I think I'll continue using it though. Maybe post clips of my original story so you could read it. Random clips that I'm dying to write, but have no where to put them. I like that idea,


4. Journaling is...a bit awkward for me, honestly. When I was younger, I could never keep a diary, and a journal reminds me so much of the one I failed to keep up with as a child. I love writing- especially by hand- but keeping up with it was a bit weird. 

5. I wrote this a while back when we were talking about Maya Angelo, and is inspired by her Caged Bird poem. I really liked this poem, I thought it was semi-notable. 


I know why she apologizes as she hides behind the curtain of hairand waits till the topic changeswhile silently cursing her stupidity.


I know why her story trails off as her eyes dance across those who surround herand she bites her lip while trying to focus on something else.


She wasn't made for this worldand her crushing insecuritieswhile waiting for someone to care. 


She was meant to be freeto travelto satisfy her never ending curiosityto laugh freely without care.


But she bottled up her freedomand her wanderlustand tucked away her curiosityand forces her laughteras she focuses her thoughts on something else. 


6. Another piece of writing that I liked was Pillow Talk. I probably shouldn't like something that was so depressing, but its certainly one of my favorites. 


"The pain in her chest was unbearable, and she curled in on herself. She hadn’t done a damn thing to deserve this pain. She clutched her pillow desperately as she gasped in pain, closing her eyes tightly. And then- just like that- the pain begun to fade. She sniffled as she lifted her tear-streaked face from the pillow. Whimpers of pain escaped her, but even her whimpering was lessening. She sighed before a hiccup overtook her, and she ran a hand through her messy hair."


It just goes to show that everything will pass. Nothing is permanent. 


7. In the future, I really hope to become a writer. I love writing stories about far off places, or people that exist that shouldn't. I'm currently writing an actual story, and I'm hoping to get it finished before I graduate. I'm no where near done at the moment, but I'm getting there!


8. I'm not exactly the best with words of encouragement, but I guess I'll give it a shot. 

Try and find your passion in this world. Whether it be writing, music, gymnastics, find something that brings you joy. Find something the you never what to stop doing- something you can't see yourself without. Never let it go. If you ever get frustrated with it, take a break. But never forget about it. Find your happiness in this world, and never let it go.

101 Things About Me.

1. A majority of people I know call me Cupcake, and most of them can't remember my real name.

2.I tend to lick things that get too close to my face. I really only lick one person's face. Needless to say, my friend Grace refuses to hug me.

3. I will only listen to Christmas music after Thanksgiving. My manager thinks I'm crazy. I will occasionally listen to Baby, Its Cold Outside (sung by Rufus Wainwright) through the entire year. It's my favorite.

4. I love pie. Any pie except blueberry.

5. I don't like blueberries- unless they're in muffin form.

6. I have anxiety about driving. Especially if we're any where near a concrete median.

7. When I first started counting, I told my parents I could count to one hundred and ten, but they told me that the number didn't exist. I believed them until I entered fourth grade.

8. My entire being is made of sass.

9. I'm also made of sarcasm.

10. I'm pretty sure coffee (and other caffeinated beverages) run through my veins instead of blood. I'm not even sorry.

11. I love beanies. Some days I probably look like a druggie when I wear them, but that hasn't stopped me yet.

12. According to one of my best friends I'm "freaking beautiful, but I don't believe it". Well, I have some good days. Other days I look like a drug addict in a Hufflepuff beanie.

13. My friends and I decided I was the human embodiment of Megara from Disney's Hercules. I don't object.

14. I love books. I love the smell of new books. I could probably tell you anything you wanted to know about the entirety of the Percy Jackson series, spout off facts about Harry Potter, or be found sobbing over a copy of The Fault in Our Stars. I really like books.

15. The zombie apocalypse will happen, and I'm ready for it. The Walking Dead's facebook page posted a huge spoiler about Sunday night's episode before I could even watch it. words could not describe my anger.

16. My friend Emmi (the same from number 12) believes I'm spontaneous.

17. Food is love. Food is life. I. Love. Food. I enjoy cooking as well.

18. Long story short, my friends ended up dubbing me with the title of Theatre Satan. I'm still not really sure how- or why.

19. I have moments when I'm loud, but most of the time I can be pretty quiet. And no, nothing's wrong when that happens.

20. I'm very actively involved in theatre. Stage hand, makeup artist, usher, costumes, stage manager, and currently the Assistant Director for Peter Pan Jr.

21. My favorite Shakespeare play is Much Ado About Nothing- which happens to be our advanced acting one-act, and I hope I nail the audition today.

22. Music is kind of my life. I've gone through way too many headphones simply because I use them everyday. I'm not me without music.

23. I love acapella music. The Pentatonix are probably my favorite acapella group.

24. My mom gave me the first ring she ever bought herself to my as (part of) my 17th birthday present this past summer. I wear it everyday of my left ring finger.

25. I currently have three marks on the back of my right hand from burning (or scratching) it on the popper at work.

26. The first job I applied to was at the Palace. I've been working there for about 2 and a half months. I was also the only application I've ever filled out.

27. My mom and I are both avid Disney fans.

28. I love my mother, but lately we've been bumping heads a lot.

29. I love the look of practically anything and everything vintage.

30. I really want a 1973 (or at least around that year) red Volkswagen Beetle. Or a '67 Chevy Impala (in black).

31. I've worked on cars before, and I actually really enjoyed it.

32. I've ridden- as well as driven- a motorcycle. I loved it.

33. I may have a slight adrenaline problem. I am in love with things that make my heart race.

34. I enjoy scary movies.

35. Recently, I've gone to the movies by myself. It wasn't actually that bad.

36. Some days I feel like I have ADHD. I get distracted way too easily, and sometimes I loathe sitting still in one place.

37. One of the only times I don't mind sitting still is when I'm on a road trip.

38. I prefer traveling by car if possible. Turbulence is so not my friend.

39. I could only eat eggs with ketchup as a child. I'm still not a fan of eating them.

40. I have the most ridiculous case of wanderlust, and I love it.

41. When I was younger, we moved a lot around Springfield, and mom told me we had gypsy blood. I strongly believe that it's a very real thing. I quite enjoy my gypsy blood.

42. I have never been to the circus.

43. Never broken a bone, or twisted anything. Never been admitted to a hospital, either.

44.  I love watching Supernatural even though it gives me a tremendous amount of feels.

45. I firmly believe family isn’t just blood.

46. I have a few close friends, but only one that achieves best friend status.

47.  When it comes to eating, I like haven an even number of things. I chew something on the left side of my mouth, and then chew the same amount of the same thing on the other side.

48. I love telling puns.

49. There’s an abundance of selfies on my phone.

50. I like my music incredibly loud. Maybe that’s why my headphones always break in a few months…

51. My music tastes are a wide variety. From country to punk rock to Broadway musicals to classic rock to Disney. I love it.

52. I enjoy when things sparkle.

53. I have the attention span of a goldfish.

54. I tend to get my hopes up a lot.

55. I can get a bit cocky if I let my mind run a lot. It’s never very good.

56. When I was younger, I wanted to take dance lessons and be a ballerina. My mom laughed and told me I wasn’t graceful enough. When I turned to walk away, I ended up running into a wall.

57. Typically, I don’t like people.

58. I hate doing dishes- especially at work. I had to do dishes at home by hand for two years straight since our dishwasher was broken, and our landlord was a jerk.

59. On the last day of school my junior year of High School, I wore a pink lace dress. I utterly shocked multiple people in my advanced acting class. They’ve never seen me in a dress, or in a color that was so girly.

60. Tech people have to wear all black during performances. I have a large amount of black clothing items.

61. I gave my best friend- she’s more so my sister- the nick name of Vanilla. I added I.C.E. to her contact name for emergencies. I’ve debated putting Ice, Ice, Baby as her ringtone.

62. I enjoy almost any pun, as long as they’re witty.

63. Shakespearian curses are amongst my favorite things.

64. I hate seeing the frame of my glasses while I’m wearing them, so I had to get the ‘Hipster’ glasses to avoid seeing the frame.

65. In middle school, I was one of those people that were obsessed with Twilight. Thank God I outgrew that phase.

66. Speaking of middle school, I had knee-high converse with comic book designs on them. I loved them and wore them all the time- even with shorts. I tend to block out that period of my life.

67. I’m attempting to plan out my first tattoo. I already have the following ten figured out.

68. I love unnatural hair colors. I wanted to dye my hair lavender before I was hired at my first job. I’ve had the last two inches of my hair dyed blue my sophomore year.

69. I love oversized sweatshirts.

70. My mission in life is to own a pair of converse in every color. I’m slowly getting there.

71. Even though I’m not very girly, I love heels. Oxford heels, two-toned, T-Straps, pumps, I find them so pretty.

72. I have times when I can be super girly.

73. I really want a leather jacket.

74. I’ve been to Barn Swings twice, and I’ve gone on the Superman at least ten times in total.

75. Bonfires are beautiful, and I love them.

76. I love to write, and I’m attempting to start on my first original book.

77. I’m kinda excited to move out on my own. The thought of it is super appealing to me. I have no idea why. 

78. I try to make a lot of friends, but never know how to keep the friendship alive- and strong.

79. Beef lo mein is probably my favorite food for dinner. Or maybe tater tot casserole…

80. I love milkshakes.

81. When I go to Wendy’s , I like getting fries and a chocolate frosty. My dad doesn’t understand why I like dipping my fries in my frosty.

82. I typically don’t like being center of attention. It makes me nervous.

83. I like music more than I like people.

84. I’m overprotective of those that I’m close to.

85. I love acting for the simple fact that I don’t have to be myself while I’m on stage.

86. I don’t like serious situations.

87. I have major trust issues.

88. I tend to be really paranoid.

89. I want to travel all over the world.

90. Every time I try to tan, I end up burning and adding 38 more freckles to my collection.

91. For some ridiculous reason, I’ve always wanted an older brother.

92. I love my long hair, but I’ve debated cutting it short on multiple occasions.

93. I’ve recently found out that the only tea I will- or can- drink is sweet tea. I’m too southern for anything else.

94. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life, and that terrifies me.

95. Some night I can’t sleep. I’ve stayed up till three or four a.m. drawing or cleaning my room.

96. It is never a very good idea for me to be alone with my thoughts for too long.

97. Sleep is a beautiful thing, and I love it.

98. I enjoy sleeping with my dogs on my bed because they keep my feet warm.

99. I never feel very at home anywhere. Maybe that’s because of my gypsy blood.

100. I hate watching the news because it reminds me just how crappy our world is turning out to be.

101. I’m terrified for my future. I can’t fathom where I’ll end up. 

Food, Glorious Food

I love food. Always have, always will. My aunt called me a black hole when I was younger because I ate so much. Food is glorious.

I remember going out towards Nixa to watch fireworks on the Fourth of July. We parked in the back of a Braum’s parking lot, and my cousins wanted ice cream. Normally, their parents would say no, but my grandpa was nice enough to buy all of us some. I remember walking into the store after my grandpa, and leaving with a small Styrofoam bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

And around that time my grandpa gave me my first drink of coffee. It was all black, and I was five. He laughed so hard when I spit it out right there in his front lawn- he thought it was so funny when my face scrunched up at the bitter taste. Now, I’m an avid coffee drinker- I even stole some of his over the summer.

Right before Christmas one year, my aunt decided she was going to make cookies for everyone. And when she makes cookies, I’m her helper. I actually did practically all of it, but she helped when I was tired of stirring the dough. We made at least four batches of cookies that night.

When I was younger, I hated eating eggs with a passion. Normally, we’d have them scrambled, but I still hated eating them. The texture threw me off, I think. So I would drown them in ketchup. I’m still not a fan of ketchup, so I mainly use salsa now. Eggs are still really weird for me, I kind of mindlessly hate them.

 
Well, I could probably go on for about ten more pages, but the point will be the same. Food is love. Food is life.