Taking My Breath Away

I didn't imagine my thoughts could ever be physically painful. I never once thought that my chest could constrict in such a way based solely on a single thought. And it's not always the same thought, which is fairly horrifying. How can someone ask me to go about my day as if a single thought couldn't render me breathless? How am I supposed to tell my mother when she thinks I'm making it up? When she thinks that I have a new problem everyday? 
I drove for a little over two and a half hours on old state highways with a friend. Back roads that curved every few miles, trees as far as you can see, and more cows than you can count. We ended up in West Plains, but I had wanted to go to Rome. Rome was down a dirt road I didn't want to take my car down. 
My friend drove on the way home. She's had far more driving experience than I, but for some reason... I felt like I had an elephant sitting on my chest. Every curve I thought we were going to go off road, or a car would clip us and we would spin. I thought I was going to have to relive that weightless feeling as the car rolled side over side. I kept waiting for my luck to run out, but it never did.
And then I got home. And my mother was upset I didn't have my location services on, and that I didn't answer her for an hour. I had dropped my phone in the floor board and was driving fifty-five miles an hour through hills and winding roads, and hick country. She told me when I got home that if I left town without it turned on again she'd beat me (in an ass-whooping way, not abuse). 
"You know what happened last time you left town," she scolded me, with a tone only mothers can achieve. 
"Yeah, I know what happened," I told her in a sigh, and turned to go back to my room. 
"Fine," she quipped as I turned back to look at her, "I'm just going to quit caring about you kids." 
 I couldn't stay to hear the rest of her rant. I didn't need to be reminded about what happened last time. I relive that car crash at least four to six days a week, and it never gets better. The aching in my chest grows, and my heart constricts at the thought.
If someone says my name a certain way, I flinch, and then I'm back in that damn car. There's no escaping it, but I can't quite tell my mother. She'd insist I needed to go to the doctor, to fix this, but I don't need fixing. 
Or maybe I do, and I'm just delusional. I've got to be a little crazy, I'm sitting here writing a blog no one reads. I'm talking to a blank wall and expecting things to get better.
But how can things get better if I can hardly breathe?

The Difference a Year Can Make

Last year I was a senior in high school, giddy about the year ahead.
This year I am college freshman, dreading the classes to come. 

Last year I was starting my first job, excited to work at a movie theater. 
This year I have worked two jobs, and I'm dying to get away from the vast amount of popcorn that follows me around. 

Last year I was afraid of change, wishing things could stay the same forever. 
This year I embrace the change, I crave for a break in the monotony, and I die everyday without it.

Last year I was hopeful for a bright future.
This year I am determined to have a brilliant one. 

Last year I was a zombie enthusiast, excited at all times for a zombie apocalypse. 
This year I... well, some things don't change, I suppose.

Last year I was ignorant to the world, oblivious to anything outside of my small bubble of a life.
This year I am enthralled with the universe, in awe of everything inside of it, and wanting to touch the stars.  

Last year I was unattached to most emotions, feeling things through a filter to keep my heart from getting broken.
This year I am feeling things fully, more irritable because I care, and sensitive because I have missed out on so much by closing off my heart.

Last year I was Cupcake, a child with her head in the clouds, a girl who thought she was invincible, a teenage theatre kid who wasn't ready to grow up.
This year I am Alexis, a young adult figuring out her life, a woman that could have died in a horrendous car crash, an eighteen year old finally embracing her own mortality, and ready to face the rest of her life. 

Oh, what a difference a year can make. 

Something Bad (An Equilibrium Blurb)

Jenna sighed as she laid strewn across her borrowed bed. It was on the verge of three o'clock in the morning, and her brain refused to let her sleep for a second- which was ridiculous. She needed time to process Encia, but apparently her subconscious disagreed. She huffed in frustration before sitting up. She bit the inside of her lip in contemplation as her eyes scanned the room for something- anything- to hold her attention. When she caught sight of the silver door knob, a mischievous smile spread across her lips- no one ever said that she couldn't going exploring at three a.m.

She slid off of her bed, her bare feet touching the cool stone beneath her, and the edge of her nightgown brushed against the back of her knees. She silently glided across the ground to the door, and lightly touched the sliver knob. Slowly, she opened the door, thankful that the door didn't creak open. She glanced down the corridor, but there was no one around. A smile graced her lips as she stepped out of her room, and let the door close behind her.

"And what do you think you're doing?" Jenna's breathing hitched as she spun on her heel to see Sarah leaning against the wall across from her, a smirk planted firmly on her lips. Breathing a sigh of relief, Jenna spared her a withering glance before walking away. 

"Come on, Jenna, talk to me," Sarah said as she followed after the other girl. She huffed when Jenna didn't respond, and simply kept walking. 

"Jenna, please talk to me," Sarah begged. Jenna's fingers trailed over the brick walls, the gritty texture keeping her focus away from Sarah. "Jenna, please!" 

"What do you want me to say, Sarah?" Jenna snapped as she turned to face her. "That I'm excited you're here? That I'm so happy to see you? Sarah, you shouldn't even be here!" 

"Don't you think I know that?" She asked, her voice raising in desperation, "There are no other ghosts here, no one but you can see me, and I can't shake this foreboding sense that something seriously bad is about to happen." 

"Maybe you should take that as a sign to move on." Jenna spun on her heel to continue down the hall- she didn't want to be caught arguing with herself. 

"Believe me, I would if I could. You're not exactly the best of company." Jenna laughed bitterly as she glanced over at Sarah. 

"Like you're any better. All you do is moan and groan about being dead, and then blame me for it." 

"You were the one driving that night-" 

"He ran into us, Sarah!" Jenna shouted as she froze in the middle of the hall. "He was the one that totaled my car, he's the reason you're dead, so why don't you go haunt him?" Sarah looked shocked. Jenna had never lost her temper towards Sarah, she had always put up with Sarah's antics. When she turned to see Sarah still there with wide, glossy eyes, she threw her hands up in frustration. 

"Go!" Her entire body seemed to dissolve into mist, and Jenna heaved a sigh of relief. Her stomach churned as the meaning behind Sarah's words hit her. No other spirits? Jenna was the only one to see her? Maybe Sarah was right- maybe something bad was happening in Encia.